@jlock17

I FEEL SO ALIVE MCDONALD’S IS GIVING AWAY FREE COFFEE I PASSED 20 MCDONALD’S TODAY DO THE MATH TOO LATE I DID THE MATH SLEEP IS FOR MORTALS

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@BobLoblaw143637

Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans

The dog comes in to show emotional support

… followed by the cat,
who came to judge.

@s_rumer18

at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”

@AnnietheNanny1

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

@NoBadHairDays2

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

@Cheeseboy22

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

@runninforwine

Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.

@mattZillaaaa

I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

@batkaren

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”