doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
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Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.