7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected
This economy is ruthless.
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
People that say “The worst kind of cut is a paper cut” probably haven’t been stabbed in the face before.
ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.
BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”