The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected
This economy is ruthless.
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.