@fsuflores

I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected

This economy is ruthless.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

@portmanteauface

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

@MarfSalvador

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

@Holy_Mowgli

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

@ryangriffiths

People that say “The worst kind of cut is a paper cut” probably haven’t been stabbed in the face before.

@therealeatwood

ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.

BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?

@david8hughes

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

@mommajessiec

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

@Elizasoul80

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”