Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
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ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
What a chick magnet..
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you