I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

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Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.


If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.


My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.


2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related


It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.


[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]


Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.


If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.


The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.