“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
You Might Also Like
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”