But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
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“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I have never related to a cat more
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope