i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My plans: 2020:
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Cake!!
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
who wore it better?