I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
You Might Also Like
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
guilty
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.