I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
😂😂😂
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.