@alexsimoneex

i feel sorry the kids who are gonna study 2020 in history 😭, this chapter is HEFTY.

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@DougBenson

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

@WilliamAder

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

@_steamy_mac

If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

@robwalton30

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

@_Embo

Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..

@Browtweaten

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

@gogglepossum

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

@dinokitten

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

@JohnFugelsang

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang