I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
i feel sorry the kids who are gonna study 2020 in history 😭, this chapter is HEFTY.
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”
-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that