I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass

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It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.


I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”


Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.


All I’m saying is God wouldn’t have given me this wild hair if he didn’t want me to store stuff in it.

*baby hedgehog peaks out*


“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.


“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed


today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle


You see two puppies.
But they’re cannibal puppies!
One puppy eats the other!
Then he takes a nap.


Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.


Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.