@MissNaughty1801

I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass

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@patnspankme

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

@scot7a

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

@Cravin4

“He’s 24 months old.”

2

Your child is 2

@badteacher4u

I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁

@brennadine

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

@ibid78

Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. No closer. Become one with your enemy. You’re now your own worst enemy. Don’t freak out.

@NoticablyBacon

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

@HopeUproar

Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.