I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass

You Might Also Like


I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.


“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*


“He’s 24 months old.”


Your child is 2


I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁


Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.


Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. No closer. Become one with your enemy. You’re now your own worst enemy. Don’t freak out.


Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single


GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.


Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.