Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?