INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
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I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.