I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating