I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
You Might Also Like
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The best plant holders?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you