I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said