I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
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4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Monday?
No. Next question.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.