I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.