I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
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If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.