I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”