I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Great game to play with friends
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.