I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
You Might Also Like
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Seems kinda suspicious
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”