I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

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If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.


Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other


guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard


According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.


Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.


HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]


[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”


Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?


[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?


Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.