@U_Want_Shum_M8

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

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@DrunksWithGuns

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

@withanewname

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

@MNateShyamalan

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

@Amburglar_

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

@doktorj

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

@bornmiserable

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

@Tmoney68

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

@Whatevah_Amy

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

@DaddyJew

[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.