I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
a fate I wish upon no one
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
can’t bark with your mouth full
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing