If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
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Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.
Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella
Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
The Greek God of spelling errors.