I finally found a reason to live again.
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“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
#damn
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.