I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
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twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Tell me you get it…🤣
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Go hard or stay average
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal