@TwinSurvivalist

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

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@aguywithnolife

brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it’s just nice to be held.

@abbycohenwl

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

@Probgoblin

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

@JustCallMeC_

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

@JohnLyonTweets

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

@Brianhopecomedy

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

@SortaBad

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

@mooses_mom_mar

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

I: Your office will be next to mine.