I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

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brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it’s just nice to be held.


My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target


Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.


“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers


The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.


They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.


“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”


Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

I: Your office will be next to mine.