I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
She was rare, like a goth jogging
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.