I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
You Might Also Like
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes