I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
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sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
United Steaks of America
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.