I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
this has done me in for some reason
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass