I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.