I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
God has left this place
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?