i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
You Might Also Like
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
can you read it!!??
maan!
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“you changed” bro i was 15
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.