@dethbycofee

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

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@Mardigroan

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

@MrSandeepP

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

@SkinnerSteven

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

@skedaddle74

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

@huntigula

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

@seamusmckracken

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

@CulturedRuffian

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

@kellyoxford

If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.

@david8hughes

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes