i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

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Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.


Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”


Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond


I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.


Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.


I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.


Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!


If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.


[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes