Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Mardigroan

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

@MrSandeepP

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

@alexmyth_design

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

@SkinnerSteven

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

@skedaddle74

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

@huntigula

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

@seamusmckracken

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

@CulturedRuffian

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

@kellyoxford

If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.

@david8hughes

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes