@NoogsCorner

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

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@TheCleftonTwain

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

@iamTannenbaum

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

@paulbarbar_II

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

@jonnysun

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

@onion_an

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

@tangledteatime

Me: Am I your only friend?

Imaginary friend: Sure are!

Imaginary friend’s imaginary friend: Wow, I’m right here.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

@Brewsker

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.