I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.


Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*


Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.


Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.


When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?


CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
ME: Yup
C: This bag of candy is open
M: Yup
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open


Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens