🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
C: This bag of candy is open
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open
Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens