I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.