@jergarl

I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that’s just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.

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@Marlebean

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

@MarfSalvador

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

@audipenny

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

@English_Channel

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

@murrman5

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

@markydoodoo

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

@Monicann86

Every morning I wake up super pissed at my parents because I have to go to work instead of living off a trust fund.

@crunchenhanced

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!