I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Covid like
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed