I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
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My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
my dad when a sex scene comes on