I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of


Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid


Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.


*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys


It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.


4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!


My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster


Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa