I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
ME: I fell in the shower.
HIM: Send pics
Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa