I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
6. me as a lawyer
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂