@YSylon

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

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@Alex_N_Chains

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

@SaraThomas84

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

@HenpeckedHal

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

@KenJennings

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

@TheWeirdWorld

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

@chrisdowning

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

@DavidAdt1

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

@AnOrangeSNES

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar