I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

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I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.


The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone


My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.


Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land


Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.


They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.


My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.


Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar