Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping