@MissNaughty1801: I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all
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@rickolantern: Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
@FU_TangClan: An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we're not savages.
@joshgondelman: I'm terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I've separately texted each of them: "Wow! That's the best baby I've ever seen!"
@IamEveryDayPpl: I didn't mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today... I just wanted to be first on Santa's lap before he got peed on.