I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all

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Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]


mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth


This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football


Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza


That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.


Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!


I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.


Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.