Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@chuuew

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

@ghostkrogh

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

@ElizaBayne

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

@jakob_huber

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

@NYC_Blonde

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

@o__0Dev

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

@Darlainky

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

@better_off_dad

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

@XplodingUnicorn

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America