my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.