@rickolantern: Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

@FU_TangClan: An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we're not savages.

@joshgondelman: I'm terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I've separately texted each of them: "Wow! That's the best baby I've ever seen!"

@IamEveryDayPpl: I didn't mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today... I just wanted to be first on Santa's lap before he got peed on.

@MartaEffing: A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.