@MissNaughty1801

I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all

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@bobvulfov

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

@VerbsRProudest

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

@cheers27402373

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

@Mikecanrant

In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.

@etherealraccoon

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

@9g7d7

If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m

@ArielBen6

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

@daemonic3

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.