i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
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MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit