i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
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Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*