I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.