@3sunzzz

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

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@TribalSpaceCat

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

@funflaps

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

@AbrasiveGhost

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

@AtticusFinch79

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

@Kali_Mura

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

@Beardson

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

@Test_of_Steron

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

@MomOnFire

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

@lmegordon

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

@suburbanified

Me: (In the shower)

Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?