@Robert_Fultz

I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.

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@PerryFellow

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

@SortaBad

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

@murrman5

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

@lizzzzzielogan

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

@StellaRtwot

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

@Darlainky

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

@AaronFullerton

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

@TheToddWilliams

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

@RodLacroix

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two