the three branches of government
You Might Also Like
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
#TopTip
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.