“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.
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POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?