I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

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Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.

Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.


My wife said that if I lose my job, she’s divorcing me. So I need suggestions here, people. What are some terminable offenses these days?


Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!


barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??


barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*


People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.


this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him


[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect


HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.


If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.


Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.