@StoneAgeRadio13

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

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@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@dril

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

@sixfootcandy

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

@WilliamAder

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

@andyerikson

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

@panmidwest

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

@Torgo_phylum

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

@doctorveritas

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”