@VestaTot
Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!
@StoneAgeRadio13
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
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@VestaTot
@valerie_tosi
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
@markydoodoo
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
@ddsmidt
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
@FalseKnees
Not today
@Tmoney68
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
@urmumsausername
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
@4SLars
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
@djdarrellripley
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
@Quartzjixler
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.