@StoneAgeRadio13

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

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@poutinesmoothie

Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.

Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.

@novicefather

My wife said that if I lose my job, she’s divorcing me. So I need suggestions here, people. What are some terminable offenses these days?

@AsgardianRose

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

@coolauntV

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

@mrjohntofu

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

@AndrewChamings

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

@AdamBroud

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

@batkaren

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

@Georg_Grey

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

@TheTweetOfGod

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.