@StoneAgeRadio13

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

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@VestaTot

Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!

@valerie_tosi

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

@markydoodoo

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

@ddsmidt

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

@Tmoney68

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

@4SLars

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

@djdarrellripley

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

@Quartzjixler

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.