I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
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Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”