I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
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003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.