For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I finished a sudoku today so I’m ready to do your taxes.
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I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
According to my dad the top three crimes of all time are:
1. Standing there with the goddamn door open letting all the heat out
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.