GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
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Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.