@FuckabillyRex

I finished a sudoku today so I’m ready to do your taxes.

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@D2BMcG

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

@TheTrueDocLove

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

@junejuly12

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

@TheMichaelRock

I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.

@UberFacts

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

@LMLMadness

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

@Parkerlawyer

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

@weenbeans

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

@eliserose5

I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.