I finished a sudoku today so I’m ready to do your taxes.

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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times


I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.


Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.


I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.


In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.


Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.


My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.


*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly


I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.