I finished a sudoku today so I’m ready to do your taxes.

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I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.


as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life


People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.


In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.


[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that


What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?


I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues


According to my dad the top three crimes of all time are:

3. Arson
2. Murder
1. Standing there with the goddamn door open letting all the heat out


Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.