I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)